THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Today a good peice from Slate that more articulately explains the sort of truth distortion that has dissappointed me and to which I myself have fallen victim. Slate's peice discusses the paradox of the war autobiography. But yet in everything I have read about the New Republic "scandal", people's shock at hearing soldiers make fun of a victim's melted face doesnt sound that alarming to me anymore. I need to read all of the NR peices but frankly from what I've heard about the points in contention, soldiers making fun of even the most horrific things is totally believable, for me it would be what would make the peice believable frankly.

http://www.slate.com/id/2171840

But because soldiers make fun of victims, does that neccessarily make them inhumane? Or , in fact, deeply human? Such emotionally driven politically incorrect spasms are pretty frequent amongst a decent number of folks I have encountered. My observations don't make an expert, but my experiences with soldiers of various ranks have taught me that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is off limits to soldier humor. There are countless words for penis, vagina, sex, women, men, kids, foreigners, religions, weapons, you name it and there is an obscene name for it in the field. The more PC its supposed to be, the more inappropriate language it will receive. Its the way they make the horrifyingly obscene bearable I think...by making it funny you can laugh and get through it.

These jokes are not because our troops are callous, ignorant, or unmanaged, but because humor is a very human way of dealing with pain and horror. We make fun of that which we fear or feel guilty about, its a classic thing to do. A part of me has imagined what it could have been like to sit at a table with soldiers and victims mixed. How awkward both parties must have felt. The soldiers seeing the terrible effects of IED damage on a woman's face, the woman feeling a mixed sense of embarrassment, fear and anger. Neither side knowing how to handle this situation. (And if you think you do, you are lying to yourself). The silence making everyone squeemish...then someone (probably "that guy") had to say something. And when you put your average 19-30 year- old guy in a room with something that makes him feel bad, 9 times out of 10 you will get a joke of some kind. Its how they handle it, the end. What those soldiers did is perfectly believable but it doesnt make them monsters to me.

A friend of mine is a lieutenant in the Army and after being out in the field for months, he took leave for New Years Eve to have dinner with myself and a group of other civilian friends of mine. He knew a few people at the table but not most of them.

Throughout the night he appalled the table with jokes about anything from sex to missing limbs to farts to ejaculate. This guy is a good friend of mine and prior to spending alot of time out in the field rarely spoke in such a way. At first it pissed me off, but then I realized he was nervous and was resorting to the only form of social communication he had been using for nearly a year. I respect this guy alot, he serves his country very well and when interacting with him one on one is deeply personal and thoughtful. But group situations, new faces and a short amount of time to adjust to civilian "speak" probably was just too much to ask. He was doing things and living in a way that no one at the table could relate to. No one knew how to ask about his job, to exchange similar experiences or quibble intellectually with him on the long range gun power of the Chinese military. With a few more days at home my friend would probably settle down and regain his ability to socialize non-offensively, but for now it was how he was coping. And that was okay frankly. I think the military asks alot, we all ask alot from our soldiers and while this kind of behavior isnt "excusable" I do think its explainable.

I have spoken with soldiers about their use of humor and sarcasm(and written about it in a previous blog I think), for some of their jokes seriously offend the hell out of me, or just shock me at how ruthless they can be. I've been given answers like "It's how you deal" or "What else should we say" and that answer has to be good enough for me. Sure, I want a better answer, I want some neat pyscho babble about fear and insecurity, I want them to be more self aware. But those are my selfish civilian needs and expectations. I want them to make sense of their world for me, so I can make sense of mine.

Im also reminded (although I am trying to keep this brief), of an situation I was in amongst civilians that reminded me of the cruelty the NR reporter describes. I was in San Diego, land of the beautiful people, visiting friends of mine. I had arrived with a few friends of my own to their house but they were gone. We hung out in the courtyard of their apartment building and waited. During which, a young mother came out with her son who had some sort of birth defect which caused his head to be mishapen and his facial structure to be somewhat crooked. Despite his "abnormalities" he was beautiful and we played with him until my friends arrived.

When they did, they looked at me in amazement, as if I was playing with a baby bigfoot and literally asked in front of the mother "what are you doing!?!". I was appalled. Here these are, very well educated and priveleged people and they stared at the child as if he were a monster. The mother withdrew with her child, certainly embarrassed. Later that night, we were all hanging outside and the mother and child returned. People whispered and stared at the child as he skipped around looking at everything. Then a very svelt, gorgeous blonde scooted over to him and- keeping distance from him- yelped at him saying "no, dont touch that!!" when he approached the food table. It made me so sick I apologized to the mother and I left the party immediately. So to me, its not offensive that "these soldiers" would act so inappropriately, but that people, in general, sometimes really suck.

We want these soldiers to detail everything, be brutally honest and then when they do and we don't like what we hear, we call them liars or miscreants. I can't help but think of a quote I heard once, that consistently applies to the revolving door of "truth" I hear up at Walter Reed and the truth tug o' war I read in the papers: "Its not that I told a lie, its the the truth changed" and another that a Navy engineer once told me "Well, thats the truth, but its not accurate".

What makes a memory true? If they are true to the soldier, if that is how he or she felt, shouldnt that matter? Is the truth allowed to change with time? I think if its not what you like to hear, or see, or learn about our troops then that is YOUR problem, as it has been mine. These people do something the rest of us dont want to do and cant. If they deal with it in ways that seem grotesque to us, or unbelievable or obscene, so be it.

Making monsters out of them to me only proves who the real monsters are, those that sit and treat these people's stories as entertainment to be digested and debated rather than just heard and pondered. Sometime's its obscene, boring or callous, sometimes its down right sick, but my question is, what makes you so interested?



"It seems very pretty," she said when she had finished it,

"but it's rather hard to understand!" (You see she didn't like to confess even to herself, that she couldn't make it out at all.)

"Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas -- only I don't exactly know what they are!

However, somebody killed something: that's clear, at any rate -- -" Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There