THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Today a good peice from Slate that more articulately explains the sort of truth distortion that has dissappointed me and to which I myself have fallen victim. Slate's peice discusses the paradox of the war autobiography. But yet in everything I have read about the New Republic "scandal", people's shock at hearing soldiers make fun of a victim's melted face doesnt sound that alarming to me anymore. I need to read all of the NR peices but frankly from what I've heard about the points in contention, soldiers making fun of even the most horrific things is totally believable, for me it would be what would make the peice believable frankly.

http://www.slate.com/id/2171840

But because soldiers make fun of victims, does that neccessarily make them inhumane? Or , in fact, deeply human? Such emotionally driven politically incorrect spasms are pretty frequent amongst a decent number of folks I have encountered. My observations don't make an expert, but my experiences with soldiers of various ranks have taught me that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is off limits to soldier humor. There are countless words for penis, vagina, sex, women, men, kids, foreigners, religions, weapons, you name it and there is an obscene name for it in the field. The more PC its supposed to be, the more inappropriate language it will receive. Its the way they make the horrifyingly obscene bearable I think...by making it funny you can laugh and get through it.

These jokes are not because our troops are callous, ignorant, or unmanaged, but because humor is a very human way of dealing with pain and horror. We make fun of that which we fear or feel guilty about, its a classic thing to do. A part of me has imagined what it could have been like to sit at a table with soldiers and victims mixed. How awkward both parties must have felt. The soldiers seeing the terrible effects of IED damage on a woman's face, the woman feeling a mixed sense of embarrassment, fear and anger. Neither side knowing how to handle this situation. (And if you think you do, you are lying to yourself). The silence making everyone squeemish...then someone (probably "that guy") had to say something. And when you put your average 19-30 year- old guy in a room with something that makes him feel bad, 9 times out of 10 you will get a joke of some kind. Its how they handle it, the end. What those soldiers did is perfectly believable but it doesnt make them monsters to me.

A friend of mine is a lieutenant in the Army and after being out in the field for months, he took leave for New Years Eve to have dinner with myself and a group of other civilian friends of mine. He knew a few people at the table but not most of them.

Throughout the night he appalled the table with jokes about anything from sex to missing limbs to farts to ejaculate. This guy is a good friend of mine and prior to spending alot of time out in the field rarely spoke in such a way. At first it pissed me off, but then I realized he was nervous and was resorting to the only form of social communication he had been using for nearly a year. I respect this guy alot, he serves his country very well and when interacting with him one on one is deeply personal and thoughtful. But group situations, new faces and a short amount of time to adjust to civilian "speak" probably was just too much to ask. He was doing things and living in a way that no one at the table could relate to. No one knew how to ask about his job, to exchange similar experiences or quibble intellectually with him on the long range gun power of the Chinese military. With a few more days at home my friend would probably settle down and regain his ability to socialize non-offensively, but for now it was how he was coping. And that was okay frankly. I think the military asks alot, we all ask alot from our soldiers and while this kind of behavior isnt "excusable" I do think its explainable.

I have spoken with soldiers about their use of humor and sarcasm(and written about it in a previous blog I think), for some of their jokes seriously offend the hell out of me, or just shock me at how ruthless they can be. I've been given answers like "It's how you deal" or "What else should we say" and that answer has to be good enough for me. Sure, I want a better answer, I want some neat pyscho babble about fear and insecurity, I want them to be more self aware. But those are my selfish civilian needs and expectations. I want them to make sense of their world for me, so I can make sense of mine.

Im also reminded (although I am trying to keep this brief), of an situation I was in amongst civilians that reminded me of the cruelty the NR reporter describes. I was in San Diego, land of the beautiful people, visiting friends of mine. I had arrived with a few friends of my own to their house but they were gone. We hung out in the courtyard of their apartment building and waited. During which, a young mother came out with her son who had some sort of birth defect which caused his head to be mishapen and his facial structure to be somewhat crooked. Despite his "abnormalities" he was beautiful and we played with him until my friends arrived.

When they did, they looked at me in amazement, as if I was playing with a baby bigfoot and literally asked in front of the mother "what are you doing!?!". I was appalled. Here these are, very well educated and priveleged people and they stared at the child as if he were a monster. The mother withdrew with her child, certainly embarrassed. Later that night, we were all hanging outside and the mother and child returned. People whispered and stared at the child as he skipped around looking at everything. Then a very svelt, gorgeous blonde scooted over to him and- keeping distance from him- yelped at him saying "no, dont touch that!!" when he approached the food table. It made me so sick I apologized to the mother and I left the party immediately. So to me, its not offensive that "these soldiers" would act so inappropriately, but that people, in general, sometimes really suck.

We want these soldiers to detail everything, be brutally honest and then when they do and we don't like what we hear, we call them liars or miscreants. I can't help but think of a quote I heard once, that consistently applies to the revolving door of "truth" I hear up at Walter Reed and the truth tug o' war I read in the papers: "Its not that I told a lie, its the the truth changed" and another that a Navy engineer once told me "Well, thats the truth, but its not accurate".

What makes a memory true? If they are true to the soldier, if that is how he or she felt, shouldnt that matter? Is the truth allowed to change with time? I think if its not what you like to hear, or see, or learn about our troops then that is YOUR problem, as it has been mine. These people do something the rest of us dont want to do and cant. If they deal with it in ways that seem grotesque to us, or unbelievable or obscene, so be it.

Making monsters out of them to me only proves who the real monsters are, those that sit and treat these people's stories as entertainment to be digested and debated rather than just heard and pondered. Sometime's its obscene, boring or callous, sometimes its down right sick, but my question is, what makes you so interested?



"It seems very pretty," she said when she had finished it,

"but it's rather hard to understand!" (You see she didn't like to confess even to herself, that she couldn't make it out at all.)

"Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas -- only I don't exactly know what they are!

However, somebody killed something: that's clear, at any rate -- -" Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There

LEMMINGS


Then there are some days when I really draw a curtain around my feelings about the war, about the vets / soldiers, about the "insurgents" and terrorists and you know what....

Very very rich men have deceived very very poor and uneducated boys into committing suicide for them. On both sides. I mean lets look at it: in the West you have big rich guys with their own agendas coercing younger guys (who are usually pretty religious) into going off to "save the world" in the Middle East. And then over there, you have what? Very rich guys herding young men who feel optionless and who are also usually religious, in order to do their bidding. You think Osama or George or Muqtada or John F. is strapping a ruck sack or a bomb to their back and heading over there? Shit no. And I look at my generation of men, of young men, and what I have heard them say about their lives...that they feel meaningless, that they want to do something extraordinary, that they fear sitting in a cubicle for the rest of their lives and that they dont know what their doing with their lives. We've outsourced most of our manual labor and expect these guys to be happy typing on a computer. The world in a short time became solely about fulfilling every womans fantasy and desire. With mens desires being considered animalistic or selfish. Oh how the tables have turned. And executive Mom wonders why her son wants to go to Iraq.....

Some days I feel like telling them that they are employees, just like the rest of us, they just dont sit in cubicls they sit in the sandbox. Sometimes I feel like telling them that they are just stupid. Some days I dont feel sorry for one of them, if you want to go off and get yourself hurt for some rich asshole who doesnt give a shit about you then fine. These boys want their war and they want it bad. My generation of men have been raised to believe that most male skills are useless and we've stuck so many of these boys on drugs to cure their "ADHD". For fuck sake they are boys! Do we have any drugs to "cure" women of their constant paranoia, vanity or jealousy? No men have just been told to shut up and that women's flaws are about "needs" or "ambition".

The feminist agenda at some point, transformed from being about equality to being about domination. The oppressed became their oppressors. Schools, the workplace, social gatherings are all geared to appease and comply with womens needs, expectations and standards. Classrooms are for women now, and I guess they deserve it after years of oppression right? But in order to raise the status of women and girls does that mean we have to lower the status of men and relegate them to bullet sponges? Hillary voted for the war, so don't buy it for a second when she tells you she opposes the "Vast Right Wing Machine"....she runs the Vast Left Wing Machine that doesnt give a shit about these guys either.

I belive boys and girls are lost. Boys dont they feel like they dont have a role and the war gives them something to do. Girls believe they have to become president or a CEO in order to be successful. But genetic heritage is a serious thing and it doesnt disappear just because Title 9 is passed. On either side. I'm not defending male dominance but I can't abide female dominance either. Talk about mission creep.

Shit I cant escape the thought that sometimes I think feminism caused this whole thing. I mean look at it. Not that either side needs a legitimate reason to fight but I do think that both sides are fueled by some interesting gender issues. The boys over there don't want their women turning into our women and the boys over here dont want our women to become their women. Boys on both sides feel desperate, aimless and have urges that only a woman or a gun could satisfy and they don't know what to do about it. The real moral nightmare is that there are old men in charge who have these guys on a leash for completely different reasons.


I dont know where I'm going with this post, but its just some crap I had to get down on paper. It will probably be revised at some point. Sorry for the rant.

WOULD THE REAL CRAZY PLEASE STAND UP


It’s been several months, hell half a year nearly since my last entry and as I read through my own words I think two things: Jesus I talk a lot and wow this is a boring blog. But at the same time I never wrote it to be exciting to anyone else, I wrote it for me. I think there are some gems of clarity amidst most of the aimless ranting but I think this is also why I haven't been writing. At some point, as I had indicated in previous posts, my perspective-heck my motive- for volunteering and befriending veterans at WRAMC became rather clouded.

Course I've also had some logistical problems, one being that my sister wrecked my car and it’s taken me a while to get it fixed. Not having a car has pretty much put the breaks on me getting up to the hospital frequently, which I lament. But I guess the break was needed. I intend to reactivate my volunteer activity once I am driving next month, but will do so with restraint. I have still interacted with several of my friends up there and those that have left, but for a while there it all got to be too much.

And I feel like a wimp saying that and have felt like a wimp. Sure the car thing really cramped my style but I think a part of me was just really tired. Before I knew it, I was caught in a bunch of Malogne House drama and it really started taking a toll on me emotionally and professionally. Also the Washington Post articles brought increased scrutiny and suspicion from both patients and staff at the Malogne House. The Rec Director who used to call me frequently with volunteer opportunities stopped and the USO had to issue an email about volunteer decorum. I am not saying they threw the gauntlet down but the door was not as wide open as it had been for civilians trying to stay close to patients.

And rightfully so. A reporter had made herself into a Trojan horse and found a way to breech the "perceived" code of silence about conditions at Walter Reed. I've commented on her work repeatedly but combined with my own drama I think I really had just had enough for a while. I also just didn’t know what to do.

I had made friends with a few patients and we frequently hung out socially. I would occasionally do them favors (give rides, bring meals) but after a while with a few of them I just felt really manipulated. I went back and forth...is it okay that they are thinking selfishly, I mean they have given so much right? But then I started hearing things....once you spend enough time at the Malogne House no one is immune from accusation or suspicion. On the surface everyone seems so supportive (and in many cases they are) but behind closed doors patients talk a lot of shit. I suppose it is the same way when you are in the field (from what I've heard). And it makes sense; just because you get assigned to a unit doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. But the drama there is really overwhelming; at least it overwhelmed and disappointed me.

Mind you, I have never claimed that these folks are perfect. But I guess, and in two specific cases that I cared deeply about, I was really let down to find out that most of what these two patients had told me was a lie.

A lie. Shit what is a lie at this point? Hearing that a patient is basically faking her injury or that another patient is not taking his meds so he can receive a higher discharge / disability payment was pretty discouraging. Not that I was discouraged by these individuals mind you, but that the truth about their circumstances really made it hard to know what the right thing for me to do was.

Their reality was and is their reality. If the female patient I spoke about is faking the severity of her injury, maybe it’s because she doesn’t know how to go home, or has nothing to go home to. But I have to be honest here; I think this girl was pretty fucked up before she joined the military frankly. I think she’s been a drama queen from day one and really liked being a drop dead gorgeous girl in the military. Time after time she would tell me about the drama in her life and how all these guys were assholes and yet I would see her flirt her ass off with almost anyone. I'm no psychologist but this woman has severe mental problems, whether or not they were intensified by war is certain, and what is more certain is that she is the military's problem now.

At first when I met her I was truly sympathetic to her plight. It’s not easy being a woman in the military, and certainly not easy to be a woman in the Malogne House. While there are many families there, there are a lot of very young and very horny guys there to deal with. Watching her interact with various patients I began to understand why she was always getting into trouble. This girl is a major flirt and she lies like hell. About her past relationships, about her injuries, heck told me she was raped out in Iraq and then later laughed it off as a joke. I hated the feelings that I had about her. I hated how confused I felt around her and how manipulated. But I have to think that this is part of the readjustment back to civilian life right? But I’m not so sure. It wasn't just her; everyone I met up there would tell you one thing about their life only to have it refuted behind their back as soon as they left the room. I had gotten, (what I thought) was very close to this patient, only to find out that most of what she had told me was a lie. But if it was truth to her, did it matter? Is truth just a matter of perspective?

One of the guys that she had "befriended" used to act like her protective boyfriend. Pretty soon word came to me that she and he were fighting and weren't friends "no more". She said that he was a liar and he said she was a liar. They both accused each other of misusing their meds or being addicted to the wrong ones. The guy ended up going home and getting married over Christmas, apparently he had been engaged the entire time. When he told me he was married he looked at me confused and said "You knew I was engaged!" I certainly did not and he certainly never made it clear to me (nor did he act like it) that he was engaged. The female patient eventually went home for a while and the male patient returned and busied himself with getting out of the Malogne House so he could set up a new life with his young wife. Who apparently is an illegal immigrant....(?!)

Great.

Weeks became months and I didn't hear from either of them for a while. Which was fine with me as I really didn't know what to do or who to trust. I didn't go up to Walter Reed looking for a new social life and resigned myself to pulling back on the social aspects of my vet relationships and returning to more structured volunteer work.

Months later, I approached a third party adult (a Mother that I have referenced before) who I deeply trusted about these two patients. She knew them both closely as well, as they were all sort of permanent residents there. She explained to me how the female patient was faking the severity of her injury and that doctors had basically told her that there was nothing wrong. So what was she still doing there? The mother told me that she’s basically riding the system until she is forced to go home. No one is taking care of this woman basically. She is young, obviously psychologically troubled and is literally left alone in her room until the military gives her new orders. No one can get a straight answer from her about why her family isn’t more involved, or about the progress with her injuries. I've been tempted to march up to the hospital myself and demand answers about her, if only to try to get her the help she really needs.

Oh yeah and the male patient that I had trusted even more than the female one got a job selling guns in MD and apparently had to move out of the Malogne House because the military had found out he was living there with an illegal. Apparently he is not taking his meds because he wants to get a bigger disability payment.

Deeeep exhale.....

So I decided to approach the male patient with the information I had learned. I tried to trust that he would be honest with me and I wanted to approach him as a concerned friend rather than an accuser. When I asked about his meds he told me that his doctors had put him on the wrong medication and that is why he wasn’t' taking anything. Oh yeah and he also discredited the mother I had spoken to. He began to tell me stories about how "she was crazy" and "that family is fucked up". I felt as if I had no where to turn for "truth". The fact is that three years later, and months after this has all occurred I still can’t sort out my feelings.

When I first started going up there, as you might have read (for the few that are) I thought I was the one missing something as a civilian. I thought I was the one that was confused, and while I think that is still true, I guess I was naive thinking that would find the truth with the soldiers themselves.




So months have passed. I miss my friends, at least I missed the times we had before I really knew them I guess. For months I felt really shitty, about myself, about them, about the war in general. I had veteran fatigue and became pretty depressed. When I first started at the hospital I thought the world of these guys and girls and believed that everyone just had it wrong. But now I'm not so sure. I've been told that I am holding our military to too high a standard, that within any organization there are liars, cheats and thieves. I chewed on that a while, and it makes sense. I had made boy and girl scouts out of soldiers with checkered pasts. I did this selfishly, because it what I needed to believe. But believing something enough doesn't make it true apparently.

My friend is a union electrician and says that the union is the same way. Heck my cozy white collar office is the same way when I really think about it. Shit- I have my own skeletons and issues and fibs I tell to coworkers and even friends. Why did these patients owe me the truth when all they wanted was some company and a few laughs. I mistook myself for a confidant, when I was more like the bartender in an airport. People spill their guts, brag about shit and then leave forever. You can strip away all the bullshit we all tell eachother, the characters we play, but civilian or soldier we are all human. Was the simple lesson to be learn here that people aren't perfect?

When did I absolve myself and them of being human and flawed? Why did war change what I expected from people? Why did I assume it forced people to be honest, or somehow better people? How could I have been so delusional? Who's the real crazy one now eh? Did I deceive them into thinking that I was their friend when I was really maybe just a peeping tom, trying to sort my own shit out. Who is the liar? Who is using who? Me or them?

CAUTIONARY NOTE: My blog postings are basically chapters. Deal with it. Only meant for those looking for more than a soundbite and a place for me to capture my own thoughts as I continue to learn.


Hello friends,

Although you all know me to be pretty mouthy, my experiences over the past year or so volunteering at Walter Reed have actually managed to shut me up when it comes to the actual war debate. Once you begin to really engage with these brave folks, talking politics about "what they've done" becomes quite tedious and impractical. Sure, it keeps many folks careers and egos inflated, it sells books and ad space on TV, but rarely does it result in anything that directly affects my friends healing and dealing at the hospital.

However, this weekend's front page features in the Washington Post have prompted me to send a few thoughts out. The Post has been quite generous to veterans and injured soldiers (and families) as they have provided ample column space to their stories, especially throughout the last year. Whether or not this is politically motivated or not, I appreciate the constant spotlight on the amazing stories taking place there. However, recently, the Post's efforts depicting the experiences of our troops at W/R have caused me great concern.

I could enter into a exhausting debate over the ethical responsibilities of journalism, editorializing and the Washington Post's political agenda but I will spare you that litany. Quickly however, I wish to provide just a few specific points to those of you who happened to read these articles, in the hopes that you will factor them into your opinions. I would also urge that having an opinion on the media's coverage is very different than an opinion on the war. This has been a very illusive distinction for me to sort out myself, so I offer that guidance only out of my own reflection rather than an order. ;) These thoughts are not to discount the negligence the articles are depicting, as I have seen several examples myself of such apparent "negligence", but rather I hope my reflections and experiences can help place these "journalists" work in a context that might offer a more full picture of the situation that I see at W/R.


1. Keep in mind it is President's Day weekend. The President did not mention veterans or injured soliders and their families once in his state of the union address. And he is paying sorely for it. These headlines are no accident, as they are certainly directly meant to stare President Bush in the face and remind him of those affected by his policies.

2. Trouble on the blogospshere: The Washington Post had a severe PR fiasco a few weeks ago due to several blogs posted by foreign affairs correspondent Bill Arkin. I could get into this but I will let you research on your own. Although his "point" was to defend the legitimacy of the civilian point of view, the methods he employeed were disturbing and suggest a real ignorance to the military culture and soldier's experience. The most inflammatory comment he made was calling every single troop a "mercenary", which he later apologized for.

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/earlywarning/2007/01/the_troops_also_need_to_suppor.html

My musings on these "battles in the blogosphere" are here: http://civiliansyndrome.blogspot.com/2007/02/just-little-patience.html

Again, I will let you investigate that internet exchange but I only describe it because the blog postings received thousands of responses, many of which called for the WP to fire Arkin and even more requesting that their subscriptions be cancelled. I believe that the Post's recent efforts here are to try to do a little damage control in the "troop sympathy" department.

3. Assuming that If you aren't allowed in, that means there is something to hide. Certainly, Building 18 and the horror health care stories that are included in the WashPos peices deserve attention. CERTAINLY. However, the Post like many papers, has taken the position of assuming that because they are not welcomed with open arms that the hospital or the Pentagon is hiding something. I thought this too when I first started and still sometimes think that more could be done to try to embrace the media (but I've heard HORROR stories of their attempts to do so and how they were taken advantage of). Now, that being said, I think its INEXCUSABLE that certain information is either unknown or dismissed (like post-service suicide, drug addiction and homeless rates that are not being tabulated).

Here's a question though: If you have just had your face blown off in Iraq, do you want the first thing you wake up to in the hospital to be a hairsprayed reporter and a camera sitting bedside with you? If you are a family member do you really want to prioritize reporters needs above that of your loved one? Or even DEAL with reporters? I urge you to consider the issues of privacy that the military is trying to respect with these restrictive policies. And I will tell you that most of the folks I know at the Malogne House dont want to talk to reporters of any kind for fear of how they will be characterized. And that is THE TRUTH. If these stories arent "getting out", it is largely due to the patient not wanting to talk, rather than them being "shut up" by some official.

4. "Amortizing the negligence". While some of these are inexcuseable, I usually try to place them in a context as the hospital treats tens of thousands of people. Plus, my civilian complaints to the very patients themselves are often met with a "its not a big deal, welcome to the Army". I have begun to channel more of my upbringing as I continue to volunteer and befriend these folks, as complaining was certainly not an valuable practice in a large family. You either bucked up or you made things worse for yourself, I find that to be the case for many of my friends at the hospital. I have had to shake off my civilian reactions and learn (but not necc adopt) how the soldier or family member sees their circumstances, which has been quite a humbling experience as a seemingly well-educated Hoya. Certainly there are ideas that I have, and issues to be remedied, no one denies that.

5. The Rec Director and Malogne House director were not involved in that interview. This was done intentionally as the reporter aimed solely to find out what sucked at the Malogne House. When I first began volunteering I too thought of a million things I thought could be better. I can tell you that the Rec Director and Malogne House director, when they arent putting in tremendous amounts of overtime tending to the patients needs and running the hotel, they are overwelmed by calls from organizations, companies and private citizens offering goods and services. There is a screening process that is required in order to be allowed to do this, naturally. While this frustrated me at first, as these patients needs seem so immediate, I now understand that it is neccessary and responsible that they are careful with whom they allow on the premises. There is also a VERY careful balance of trying to fulfill the patients needs without spoiling him or her, as this can have a negative effect on their ability to return to their "normal" lives back at home. The Rec Director and Malogne House director are friends and mentors of mine, who could not have bigger hearts. Their job is usually thankless and extremely stressful. Yet no mention of the complexities of their jobs was mentioned, and if it had, it would have probably just made them sound like callous bureaucrats- which couldnt be farther from the truth. Like any organization there are pain in the ass rules, but I've learned that many of the rules are there for very good reasons. You'll just have to trust me on that or else this email would be even more painfully long.

6. The harsh reality of life as a solider. The public doesnt like to hear that soldiers have it tough. When the press gets wind of this they fan the flames of civilian sympathy and anger, which I am still struggling to qualify myself. While its important to engage the public into the lives of the folks I see there, I am concerned about the level of anger and rhetoric that such reporting encites.
No where did the report direct concerned civilians to donate or engage.
No where did it discuss the millions of dollars in donations that are offered to soldiers and their families through organizations and the VA.
No where was the work of organizations like the Armed Forces Foundation, The Wounded Warrior Project or the Alleethia Foundation mentioned. (Heaven help us if we actually describe the "fun" these folks are invited into while they are recouperating)
No where were the experiences or perspectives of doctors and caregivers included.

I could go into why these opinions matter (and its not cause they paint a rosier picture, but that you ignore a vast community that is mobilized just for these guys and girls)....but I'll spare you.

Actually, I take that back, the reporter did manage to mention "steak dinners" but only dismissively as if it was a pathetic attempt by the hospital to placate the soldiers with fancy meals of cheap beef. I have been to these steak dinners myself, and can tell you, that the soldiers truly appreciate getting off post, even if it means sitting and listening to some country music star talk about his granddaddy's service in WWII. Which leads me to my last point. (yes I am wrapping it up)

7. Underutilization, fatigue, and transportation in DC. The reporters description of the isolation, emotional fatigue and frustration of the soldiers is perfectly warranted. It has boggled my own mind how they expect patients to juggle all that they are asked, especially when they are coping with so much. I hear stories almost every time of a new paperwork situation. I myself have witnessed and heard stories about how the soldiers dont know how to get around (the city much less the hospital) and have often felt that a "handbook" (like the one she describes that doesnt exist) is a no brainer. The patients and their families have no idea how to navigate the city and are left to their own devices. Personally, I could get pissed and blame that on Bush, or Rumsfeld, or the hospital staff, but instead I wonder what we as a city could be doing to help them try to enjoy their time here. I dont make this "my problem" for those of you psychoanalyzing me, I just think the city could be doing more to actually "support the troops" then blame the government that we house. Sometimes its been like pulling teeth to get patients to come to USO basketball games, or even out in the city socially as its costly, logistically tough (cabs are a no go and you can forget metro) and the bars that skew their age tend to be loud and crowded (two things that arent easy to cope with when you are recovering from combat). If its hard to get them to have fun in the city, imagine what its like to try to get them to really engage with social workers for emotional/psychological issues. Plus, the meds tend to take care of everything. (although the reporters depictions paint the Malogne House as some sort of bizarre circus of drugged up goons-which is really frustrating and inaccurate).

However I will tell you this, when given something to really look forward to, like a personal visitor, or an outing one on one or engaging in an activity they personally like, their responsibility with their meds and enthusiasm for recovery tends to skyrocket. I am no doctor, but this is what I have personally witnessed through my own efforts. So who knows.....maybe I do sound like Pollyanna reading my locket... "If you look for the bad in people you will surely find it" in reference to the Post's "efforts". But I have grown so weary of the cynicism on both sides of this endless debate. I guess my efforts are psychologically helping me cope with that frustration, but so be it. Better that then wasting away on a barstool somewhere mouthing off to my fellow ivory tower blowhards I guess.....


I really tried to make this short. So apologies if you are weary. However, it is but a short rebuttal to the post's most recent coverage of what is needed at W/R. I guess I just wish that their work could be aimed at encouraging engagement of all, rather than just blaming a few decision makers. But that's not sexy. The folks working there really are working so hard. Many MANY times patients will often be silent about a complaint thinking that they will be there only a short while, so the problem goes unreported. This was overlooked as well. While I am sure that there is bureaucratic driftwood floating around the hospital (and have seen some myself), I just offer these thoughts out of fairness to the folks that have embraced and educated me in the past two years. There are so many wonderful days and moments that I have witnessed there, that it is hard to focus on the negative ones. We all just try to roll on, without rolling over.

In the end, I only wish that the public reads those articles and considers engaging rather than enraging.



http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/19/AR2007021900759.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/17/AR2007021701172.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/18/AR2007021801335.html

TOO MUCH LAUGHING IN THE PRESS ROOM


I will keep this short, I promise. I think the amount of laughing and joke making and snarkiness and attempted wit is DEPLORABLE. There are days where I feel like marching some of my friends from Walter Reed into the press room so they can sober that fucking room up. Everyone has their roles, they play characters and they have been in that room stinking it up with bullshit softball questions. Every single press conference becomes a test of intellectual willpower and rhetorical strategy rather than it does serious investigative reporting aimed at journalism rather than editorializing. The journalists have already written their stories by the time they interview Tony, and they go fishing for some equally snarky sound bite they can entertain their low browed readers with. All the while they laugh with their heads back as they entertain eachother and whisper to one another at how daft their questions are and how occassionally surprising Tony's candor is.

Either way, its sick. Scott McLellan may have been a bit snide and stubborn, but the antics going down in the press conference must stop. There is a fucking war on, with actual peoples lives at stake. These reporters chip away at Tony and Tony lobs back with some straight man jab. The time has come to kick some of these characters out of the press room and get serious. Les Kinsolving must fucking go. Helen Thomas should retire already, shes an embarrassment to journalism at this point. I have no idea how April Ryan got in the press room (not that I can explain Les' presence beyond blind ritual). Paula Cruickshank rarely asks anything substantive, choosing to use her position in the room to vamp up some random fringe cause or issue. Les though, might be the most embarrassing codger still propped up blabbering in a room filled with hot air. I literally heard him after the press conference ended saying "ah what a character, what a doctor, what a life, isn't it fun!" as the rest of the press corps laughed heartily at the latest of his wild accusations. Yeah, its a friggin blast, literally, just ask our troops that you are all so concerned about "supporting" through your courageous responsible work.

I just cant handle it any more. The situationn in that room is abysmal and the major MSM rags should be embarrassed at how lame and out of touch their reporters have become. Even for the sake of their own "poor embedded" colleagues, sober up, ask questions that matter, and then wrap it up. The time spent coddling these high browed psuedo intellectual stand up comics has to stop.



Sorry for the vitriol, but honestly, I'd take Scott's evasiveness way before this Stewart/Obermann inspired baffoonery. I am keen to the fact that the White House is "in on the joke", but I guess I just dont find the jokes that funny considering how serious this situation is. To me the press room, especially during a frigging WAR, should be somber and probing, not romper room.

I guess its been a bad CS day for me. Was at the hospital Saturday.

"JUST A LITTLE PATIENCE"....for the patients.

Well, I've written about "Stupid Civilian Syndrome" (SCS) and it appears that a certain Washington Post columnist is suffering terribly from this illusive malady. Lets all calm down, as outrage and anger only worsen the condition and intesify the sufferer's alienation. Knee jerk angry insults have been hurled back at the writer, which I have to say, will only embolden his opinion and pacify him from his own ignorance. The military that I know is patient, which I guess is the hilarious irony, because it seems that Mr. Arkin needs a little of his own medicine. He's certainly afflicted with general Civilian Syndrome(CS), as emotional exhaustion and cynicism are the prime symptoms, however the root cause of his CS is SCS. Allow me to explain.

Rather than dissect Mr. Arkin's arguments, which I could do in a million different ways, I'd like to talk about what I believe is in between the lines he wrote. As a fellow sufferer of CS and occasionally SCS, I can attest to the many forms that this syndrome can take. It's really hard to spot, and a lot like PTSD in that way. You really don't know how to spot it unless you've had it, and I can hear certain things in Mr. Arkin's peice that I'd like to reach out to rather than demonize. There are two main symptoms that I would like to address:

Symptom ONE: GUILT.

Guilt is a prime symptom of CS. Guilt can do a lot of different things to different people. I myself have wrestled with guilt in many forms on this issue, sometimes I don't even know I am feeling guilty, as guilt's proactive twin is anger or "frustration" as we now antiseptically call it. Getting to the root of anger can reveal several things, but when discussing the war, civilians often don't realize that for all of their finger pointing, a part of them does feel guilty. We are a guilt-free society here in America. Being "angry" isn't very hip or zen, and certainly a bespeckled WaPo intellectual would never admit to being angry, much less, express feelings of guilt or remorse. But we don't talk about guilt these days, I guess it's too much of a scary religious term, but guilt is a psychological experience as well. Guilt is one of the things that differentiate humans from animals, it's not a sign of weakness, though it is often treated as such and shamed in numerous ways. We've accepted that its "bad" to feel guilty, when in reality it’s a natural response.

Even as I myself read Mr. Arkin's response to the NBC interview he watched, I felt angry. I got angrier and angrier at his inaccuracies and assumptions. But rather than concentrate on my anger, I tried to figure out why it bothered me so much, beyond the inaccuracies. I felt the need to defend the troops instantly, but I don't need to. I know first hand of the troops' patience, which I will get into later. They don't need me to defend them.

And as I reread Mr. Arkin's column again and again, I searched. I searched for logic, hell I just searched for factual reporting as he is clearly either ignorant or callous to many of the things that troops and their families face. But I realized why his words ticked me off, because I was seeing myself in them. I was hearing anger and then reading as the writer systematically tried to absolve himself of his feelings and justify his rage. He sounds as if he is asking for patience on behalf of protesters, defending them even, in the face of an ungrateful veteran populace. However, you can't bullshit a bullshitter, and as a sufferer of CS, I can smell my own. This man is groping with feelings of guilt and he hates that.

Symptom TWO: Searching for answers.

Any wartime populace is going to feel anxious, for various reasons. But given the asymmetry of this particular warfare, the illusiveness of the threats and the endless rhetorical debate, confusion and panic also ride shotgun to wartime anxiety. The beautiful part about this country is that we are all free to say what we want and disagree, the hard part is living with the disagreements. Folks, we mistake democracy with something static, when it is an experimental process that hopefully, never ends. Humans, however, while amazingly adaptable, also still crave stability and "an answer". This lust for stability almost runs diametrically opposite to the ever spinning wheels of democracy, with the populace and in many cases, the psyche, feeling split. This doesn't feel good, it pits us against each other, and since we can't find some grand theory of everything we resort to blame, which again, leads us back to guilt. It’s a pretty vicious cycle. I feel like a pharmaceutical ad saying this, but "there is hope….."

Mr. Arkin doesn't have an answer for what we do in Iraq and as an intellectual this frustrates him. Actually it really pisses him off. And I've felt the same anger. I joke about Civilian Syndrome, but I think it's a very real thing. Prior to acknowledging it, I've sat at bars swilling bourbon after bourbon and ranted in my office sometimes about my anger at the confusion surrounding this war. Working with the vets and befriending them has been one of the most trying and troubling experiences of my life. "You mean we've got heat seeking missiles that we shoot from 200 miles out in the ocean and we can't find Osama!?" I've barked in my office. I've searched for answers, I've blamed everyone and I've prayed for clarity. I've met vets that have humbled me and ones that have embarrassed me. The veteran's stories are hard to sort out, they change almost every time I talk to most of them, but I think that reflects the way they are constantly searching for answers, clarity and "the truth" as well.

Some kind of clarity only came when I realized that I was feeling many of the same feelings that the injured soldiers that I work with (and have become friends with) were feeling. For a while I joked that I had PTSD from being around PTSD. And I've read a few accounts from injured imbedded reporters believing that they are experiencing what the soldiers are experiencing. But once I heard about a certain soldier's sweating and crying nightmares, or got to know a family living in one hotel room near the hospital that their father was in, I realized that what I was experiencing was very different. Mine was a different thing, it was more distanced, more a response than a true combat experience, which is where I came up with Civilian Syndrome.


Diagnosis: STUPID CIVILIAN SYNDROME

Civilians are just that, they are civilians. We aren't military, we didn't sign up to offer our life for anyone else, and we aren't cut out for battle. We mistake watching movies on our plasma screens, in the safety of our homes, for "knowing what war is like" and the war has become a show we can click on and off. But for service-members the reality is no show. There are no commercial breaks, nor rest from grappling with their experiences and decisions they made in the field.

I would urge Mr. Arkin to do a little more work with veterans rather than just watch them on TV. Once you listen to a soldier describe "The Dust" you realize that they literally lived and breathed the most stressful experience a human can ever possibly have. And you didn't- regardless of whether or not you believe the cause meritable. Of course many service-members join for many different reasons, some (most) having nothing to do with patriotism or valor and yes, a lot to do with what Mr. Arkin described as "a decent wage".

No Mr. Arkin, they did not have trust funds to fall back on, or big university educations to feel entitled to. Does it piss you off that they are not as well-educated as you? That you have to deal with their ignorant decision making and mindless call to service? Or does it piss you off because you feel that you can't do or say anything to change our circumstances. Your article speaks to a certain kind of desperation that is very sad. Because I can assure you these troops have been infinitely patient in ways that you will never have to.

Lastly, Mr. Arkin's patronizes the real economic needs of many people and families and belittles them by describing the gracious manner in which our country "takes care of their families." You sir, besides paying your taxes, do nothing for their families. Perhaps if you did, you would be a little less excited about patronizing their mercenary –whoops working class- "dirty work".


Treatment: GIVE DR. ARKIN A DOSE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE


The blog I have created is a tough one to reign in. Often times I feel like retelling the stories I hear, but I can't, they don't belong to me. They are not my stories to tell. This blog is about my own experiences, and troubles as a civilian trying to "make sense of it all". I sympathize with Mr. Arkin's anger and lust for accountability, I really do. This blog is my attempt to share what I feel and learn along the way, because I believe that a lot of us Stupid Civilians could use an outlet to share their confusion and anxieties. We like being the educated white collar elite, safely sitting behind our computers, blogging away about how much we know, spinning our big theories about how we would run things if we were in charge. But I blog to show how fucking confused I am sometimes, how lost I feel and to share how consistently misinformed I feel as I attempt to step beyond the looking glass and really interact with the "characters" we see on warTV. I thought my service to these folks would bring clarity, and as a result, I have become even more confused and as I've said, angry.

However, my service has also become the antedote to my anger. While new questions constantly abound, my anger is always squelched by the class and grace of veterans when they are confronted by us Stupid Civilians. Trust me, they nash their teeth in private, but the stoic warriors that I have befriended have taught me more about patience and class than anyone else in my entire life.

I once took two veterans to the Hill to meet their Senators. I won't describe their injuries but let's just say that they were recognizably impaired. The young gentleman was a midwestern Marine turned Army infantryman, and the young woman was a beautiful reservist who had previously driven "buffalos"(google it). We walked through the doors of the Hart Senate building followed by a heard of privileged college interns, chatting, joking and gabbing on their cell phones. These two veterans were about the same age as their intern counterparts, but certainly moved a lot slower. They both eased their way through the metal detectors setting both of them off. Suddenly the loud chattering behind us stopped and I glanced at a stunned crowd of fresh faced Hilltoppers as they tried to sort out what the hold up was.

It’s the sort of moment where nothing was said, but everything was understood. The difference between these two veterans and this group of interns was clear. The security guard waved them through and I thanked him for not searching them further. He pointed to the Marine ring he wore and winked at me as I guided the two further into the marbled hallways of the building. And the looks on the faces of those behind us were unmistakable. You know guilt when you feel it and see it. They didn't know what to say or do, so they just stood there like deer in headlights.

The veterans on the other hand, joked about it later. They joked about the shrapnel in their bodies and hadn’t really noticed how quiet the hallway had gotten. I think I noticed because I belong to that group, I knew what they were thinking because I had been one of them. But my spotting of civilian syndrome didn’t end there. I've blogged about "what not to say" in the past, but I was stunned by the callous attempts at sensitivity that Hill staffers offered to these two young people. Heres a sampling:

"What'd you do to your leg!"

"Sheesh, Iraq, how was that?"

"Wow, Iraq, its crazy over there huh?"

Although we certainly met very gracious folks. We went on a tour with a group of senior citizens, who were okay with going at a slower pace. Unfortunately, the veterans' meds kicked in just prior to the tour, which required that wheelchairs be procured, which was no easy task it turns out, and slowed our tour down considerably. The veterans were so apologetic that they had not timed their meds accordingly, but the tour group was so gracious and patient. Perhaps these senior citizens knew what these young folks were going through, in fact a few shared war stories along the way. A few staffers were very pleasant and respectful, but I found myself biting through my tongue at most of the idiot comments that were blurted out by a staffer who just didn’t know what to say. These folks worked for the people that voted for this war and didn't know what to say to those that had actually fought it.

All the while, the veterans remained calm, and infinitely patient, as they always have. I've witnessed them curse us civilians in private, but never, ever, in public. I have been seated on Walter Reed transportation buses shuttling vets to a basketball game and watched as folks threw their programs at the back of the bus. I have heard of injured soldiers mugged on the corner outside of the hospital with their own crutches while waiting for a cab on Georgia Avenue. I drive past angry protesters who scream, SCREAM, at patients and families as they enter the base. I have, indeed, heard stories of soldiers being spit on, cursed at and insulted. Sure the treatment is "better" than Vietnam, but are we really going to pat ourselves on the back for that? Is Mr. Arkin going to wave their jobs in their face and demand patience from a 21-year old who now has no legs? Requests such as Mr. Arkin's are irrational, which is why, rather than demean his logic, I appeal to his heart and ask him to examine why he is so angry.


As the old addage goes, point one finger at someone and there are three pointing back at you. Our soldiers are not perfect, nor are they in many cases Nobel peace prize winners or National Merit Scholars (although in a lot of cases they are). They are imperfect, but Mr. Arkin, they are by no means impatient. They too had to watch the misconduct at Abu Ghraib and Haditha. But rather than just bitch about it to their coworkers or write about it in the paper, they went out and had to deal with the repercussions themselves. They suffer through our endless lines of insensitive questions like "Did you kill anyone" or "How did that feel" without so much as a grimace. While the public agonizes for the war show to end and the pullout show to begin, these men and women-and their families- patiently do what they are told- regardless of if they agree with it. You have to deal with this war for a few more years, but they will deal with it for the rest of their lives.

You sir, are the impatient one. Like you, I too relied on the media to educate me about the war and relied on imbedded reporters to "tell me the truth". I am tired, if not exhausted by the constant streaming images of war and chaos. Those are natural feelings. But this war cannot and should not be captured in a sound bite and my exhaustion is accelerated by boomer journalists characterizing those they know NOTHING about. They write and speak about the personal feelings of soldiers only to fulfill their own personal or political agenda, while feigning "support" or sympathy.

Mr. Arkin, as a journalist you are afforded much more time, and paper space, to explain yourself and your feelings. I hope you examine them sir, and do more with the space you are afforded. Pointing the finger back that the troops is a desperate act meant only to quell the confusion you feel as a helpless civilian, and I share it. But there is something you can do as a sufferer of Civilian Syndrome, you can serve too. You're article has obviously sparked a spectrum of emotion; however I urge you to visit the hospitals, volunteer with the USO or any veterans group for that matter rather than sit perched behind your laptop. Write about what you find there. You won't find answers, but perhaps you might be able to transform your anger into something far more productive and enlightening for everyone.

Oh and PS Mr. Arkin, you might want to peruse the "peaceful" protests of the following church group. Are these the certain folks you are demanding patience for? For god sakes, they show up at funerals for fallen soldiers....but yes, you are right, its the injured patients enduring months of grueling physical rehab, the active duty soldiers sweating in the middle eastern hell, and the fallen and their grieving families are the ones that are the ones that need to be patient while you try to intellectually sort out what they have to emotionally deal with.

http://www.godhatesfags.com/photos/2005/20051203_palmer-ia.html